


What Have I Done?

by Warp5Complex_Archivist



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-04
Updated: 2006-03-04
Packaged: 2018-08-15 23:04:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8076376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Warp5Complex_Archivist/pseuds/Warp5Complex_Archivist
Summary: Alternative ending for 2.22 "Cogenitor." (05/09/2003)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Kylie Lee, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Warp 5 Complex](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Warp_5_Complex), the software of which ceased to be maintained and created a security hazard. To make future maintenance and archive growth easier, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but I may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Warp 5 Complex collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/Warp5Complex).

  
Author's notes: Spoilers, 2.13 "Dawn," 2.22 "Cogenitor."  
  
I know this isn't my usual type of story, but Cogenitor made me so damn mad that I had to do something, because they had to go and ruin Archer and Tucker's friendship. They didn't just put a strain on it, they had to torpedo it, blowing my favorite pairing apart into zillions of tiny pieces, never to be put back together and ripping my heart apart right along with it. Not only that, they didn't finish the episode, but left us with one heart wrenching "Cap'n?" before up came the credits, so I was left with this story, which seems to be the only logical thing to have happened next according to the way they set things up. Now the only good thing I have learned about episodes like this is that they spawn lots and lots of plot bunnies, of which this is one. This is my unhappy, dark side ending to the episode, which I have to get out of my system first, but don't despair. I also have come up with another story idea that will work things out the right way and will come up with the happy ending that we all want, but that story is longer and more complicated, so you guys will have to wait a little longer for that one but I promise to post it soon.  


* * *

Trip Tucker lay on his bunk, content with his choice.

The mechanics of the operation hadn't taken long, he was the chief engineer after all. The twist of a valve here, the re-routing of a circuit there and it was done. Trip glanced at the chronometer on the wall. 21:55. Five more minutes.

Never one to do much clock watching Trip turned toward his window, determined to enjoy the view one more time. Trip used to spend hours watching all those stars, selecting one tiny pinprick of light at random and dreaming about what wonders they would find when they arrived. There had been wonders a plenty and Trip had been relishing each and every one of them, right up until the last.

Trip felt a flash of pain but forcefully pushed it out of his mind. He wasn't going to dwell on that, not just then. Now he wanted to concentrate on happy thoughts, better times.

Trip's mind rambled back to recall the past, just a few months ago, when he was stranded on that god-forsaken moon with Zho'Kaan. Despite their peril; they had been minutes away from dying due to the extreme heat after all, Trip had no regrets. He cheerfully listed all of the wonders he had seen since leaving space dock as he lay down to wait for whatever fate that was in store for him.

Another stab of pain nudged at Trip as his treacherous subconscious whispered that it would have been better if Tucker had died then. At that stage of his life the engineer had only experienced the positives and joy of space exploration and he would have died content. Oh, if only he had gone then, before he messed up so spectacularly...before he caused so much pain....

Once again Trip used all his might to halt that thought in its tracks and forced himself to concentrate on better times. Diving in the ice caves of Etheenia, standing on a crater twice as high as Everest, riding in a Suliban cell ship and spending a night with a princess.

Immersed in such memories Trip didn't seem to hear the audible click that filled the room just as the chronometer's numerals changed to 22:00. The engineer took no notice as a gentle breeze began to swirl and twist, ruffling his possessions back and forth. Through it all Trip simply lay on his bunk, re-living his happy memories, doing nothing to stop the rush of air, even when his body began to gasp for breath.

* * *

Malcolm Reed had no interest in breakfast that particular morning, he was much too worried to eat. Something terrible happened to Trip. Although he wasn't quite clear on the particulars, Reed suspected it had something to do with that Cogenitor person that Trip had befriended. Whatever the cause, Reed had seen the grief on his friend's face as he left the captain's ready room and knew that something had gone horribly wrong. Duties prevented Reed from going to Trip the night before, but now he had the whole morning free and the armory officer was bound and determined to do whatever he could to help his friend.

Malcolm pressed the buzzer immediately after arriving at Trip's door, but there was no response from within and all hails on the comm failed as well. Reed was about to ring again when a red light flashing above his head caught his eye. Reed looked more closely at the door and his body ran cold. Struggling to keep his arm from trembling with fear, Malcolm reached for the comm and called the bridge.

Archer was a bit surprised to hear from Reed. It was out of character for the armory officer to bother the bridge with anything when he was off duty and the fact that Malcolm was calling left the captain with an uneasy feeling. A feeling which intensified the second Reed asked if Trip was there. "No, he's not, Malcolm." Archer fought to keep his voice steady and professional, despite his growing fear. "Is something wrong?"

"Yes, sir." Reed glanced again at Trip's closed door. "I'm standing in front of Commander Tucker's quarters. His door has been sealed shut and the warning light activated."

"Oh, god." Archer's unease mushroomed into full fledged terror. Enterprise had many state of the art emergency systems, including doors that automatically sealed in case of a hull breach. If one compartment lost it's atmosphere the room would automatically be sealed off to protect the life support integrity of the rest of the ship, then a red light would flash overhead as a warning to all not to enter. The very same light that was now flashing outside of Trip's quarters, indicating that there was no atmosphere within....

But that was impossible. Archer knew that if there was any disruption to life support the ship's internal sensors would send out an alarm, instantly alerting everyone to the problem and triggering a cycle of rescue and repair. If such a traumatic event had occurred Archer knew he would have been told, yet all seemed normal when he walked onto the bridge that morning. What was going on here? "T'Pol!"

The Vulcan knew what he wanted and checked the records carefully, ignoring her commander's growing impatience. She wanted to be very sure of her data before she reported. After a few more seconds she was sure. "Internal sensors show no loss of life support to deck B, compartment twelve."

Archer latched onto that hope with all his might. It had to be a glitch with Trip's door. The engineer had to be alive and well, trapped inside his still pressurized compartment, waiting to be rescued. A rescue that would be soon in arriving. Getting to his feet he rapidly issued orders to both engineering and sickbay and within minutes they had joined Reed outside Trip's door.

Archer was all for having Hess and her crew force Trip's door open right then and there when T'Pol asked them to wait, gesturing with her handheld tricorder. "Allow me to scan the interior first, Captain. As of yet we still do not know if the malfunction is with the door or with the sensors. As you human's say, it is better to be safe rather than sorry."

Archer knew she was right. If the hull around Trip's quarters had a hole venting the atmosphere into space then everyone in this section would be endangered if the door were opened before any breach had been sealed, but still Archer hesitated. All of his fears were about to be confirmed or denied by T'Pol's tiny tricorder and Jon was terrified at the potential horror the scans might reveal. Still, there was nothing to be gained by any further hesitation, so Archer gathered up both his courage and his expectations, then nodded for her to proceed.

It only took a few seconds for her to complete the task, and only a few seconds for all of Archer's few remaining hopes to be shattered forever. As she finished the scan, T'Pol gently bowed her head, then she turned off the device and turned toward her captain.

It was said that Vulcan's feel no emotions, yet when T'Pol looked at Archer, the captain could clearly read the pain in her face and the pity. That's when he knew. The red warning was correct and the sensors were wrong. While there was no atmosphere within the compartment before him, the room was far from empty.

* * *

They were light-years too late of course. When they determined that the hull hadn't been breached oxygen was quickly restored to the compartment, making it safe to enter.

Tucker's body lay on his bunk but after one look Archer didn't need Phlox's confirmation to know that Trip was gone.

Hess led the team that was in charge of the investigation and Jon fought back his grief as he listened to the engineer present him with a comprehensive and professional report, even though she was crying. Apparently some sort of malfunction occurred and the environmental controls sucked the atmosphere out of the room. The malfunction also shorted out a small section of relays that led to the internal sensors, which explained why no alarms went off, either in engineering or the bridge.

By now Phlox, too had a report to make. The doctor believed that the accident must have occurred in the middle of the night and that Tucker probably passed away in his sleep. Trip would have suffered very little.

Archer tried to take solace in that particular fact, and he desperately wanted to believe what Hess was telling him was true. That Trip's death was caused by a freak accident, a one-in-a-million fluke, but then Jon caught sight of a padd laying askew on Trip's desk. The captain waited until everyone's attention was diverted elsewhere, then scooped up the padd. As soon as he discovered that it was addressed to him, Jon knew. This had been no accident.

* * *

Jon made his excuses to the others, and as soon as he could he fled to his quarters. Once he was safely alone the captain settled himself on his bed, with Porthos on his lap and the padd in hand. Archer simply stared at the blank screen for awhile, afraid to turn it on, afraid to learn the truth behind his fears. But finally the captain realized that delaying was only making things worse, so he found enough courage to press the play button.

Trip appeared instantly on the screen. Although the engineer had a small smile on his face, Jon could clearly see the lines of grief and pain etched around his eyes. Archer turned up the volume on the padd, not wanting to miss a word. "Hey, there, Cap'n." The voice of a now dead man came out of the speaker. "I guess you didn't figure that I was the suicidal type, did ya?"

No, the concept never once entered his head, but now Jon really wished that it had. If he had thought that Trip would take his own life Jon would have taken more precautions. Light-years too late to think about that now. Jon put his own surprise away for the moment and continued to listen to his now dead friend, only to be blown away by Tucker's next confession. "This isn't the first time I've tried to kill myself, you know. Even though the circumstances were a bit different, back when Malcolm and I were trapped in that shuttlepod, I was still willin' to end it all just the same."

Archer wasn't just stunned by this revelation, he was devastated. Hell, he'd been Trip's lover for Christ's sake and he knew nothing about a previous suicide attempt. For the first time that day Jon's grief was pushed aside by anger. What other parts of Trip's life had he been left out of?

Oblivious to Archer's angst, the last known record of Trip Tucker went on. "Malcolm stopped me then, but he's not gonna stop me now. Nobody is."

Jon knew how right that was. No one stopped Trip. Not even his lover of five years who should have done something to keep this from happening. Then the first wave of guilt washed over Archer. A guilt that he knew he was going to feel for the rest of his life. He couldn't think about that yet, though, because Trip was still talking.

"I rigged things up to look like an accident..." The Tucker on the screen looked upward and it seemed to Jon that Trip was looking directly into his soul. "I'd appreciate it if you tell my folks exactly that. I don't think my mom and dad could really deal with the fact that I killed myself." Archer understood. He could barely deal with that himself and knew there was no way that he would put Trip's family through the agony that he was now experiencing. The official cause of death would remain a freak accident, no matter what the facts had to say. Archer made that promise to Trip, well aware that any help he could get to his friend now was too little, too late, but Trip had more to say.

"I don't want you to feel guilty about this, Jonny, none of it was your doin', everythin' was all my fault. Maybe I coulda lived with the guilt of causin' the Cogenitor's death, and maybe I coulda lived with the pain of knowin' that I made you hate me, but I couldn't take both at the same time, Jonny, it was just too much. All I wanted to do was help someone in need, but all I ended up doin' was creatin' a situation that neither the Cogenitor or I could live with...so we didn't." The look on Trip's face broke Jon's heart, so much so that the captain was surprised when Tucker actually managed to raise a small smile. "A life for a life. Everythin' is even, Cap'n. I hope you're at peace now, Jonny, because I am. I love you." Trip stared into the lens for a moment, as if he could really see into Archer's eyes. "Bye." Trip said finally, then the screen went dark.

Jon sat still, staring at the blank screen for a long, long time. He knew now that he was in the exact same position that Trip was in only twenty four hours before. He was directly responsible for another person's death, only this time the victim was his best friend and lover. Jon had been in full captain's mode when he read the riot act to Tucker the day before. He had been in the right at the time, but his fatal mistake came immediately after that. He should have gone after Trip, not as his captain who had been greatly disappointed by his dearest friend, but as Trip's lover who's only agenda should have been to console his hurting mate. But Archer only had room for his own pain, so he didn't go, and now he was paying the price.

"Oh, god, Trip, what have I done to you?" Archer dropped his head into his hands and started to sob. "What have I done?"


End file.
